Restart

Hey all,

I guess I never completely finished my Germany blog, and to be honest, I don't believe it really should have an ending.  If I am indeed a sehnsucht sojourner, still looking for homeland, then I should have no true end to this blog on my ventures.  Given that I'm journeying to another land in a few days, I suppose this remains appropriate.

However, to give a sense of conclusion to that season of my life, I give to you my last journal entry in Germany, one from 22 Juli 2011, written in my notebook during my stay at the DAAD conference (further thoughts can be seen on my other blog for the DAAD).  It does not tell the whole story, for in the Munich airport, I realized that I had been seeking my purposes too far in my lab work, thinking that I need to excel in absolutely every area of the world, academic, work, and otherwise.  While I still aspire to love God with my all in every facet of life He would have me live, He revealed to me just hours before I would leave that nation, that I had been resisting His will for me.  It certainly was not in lab work, even though I had thought I had to do it to "succeed" in my own eyes.  Nor was it in simply the strive to succeed.  Rather, in all of this, His will for me is to know Him.  Simply know Him.  And through that knowledge, that rest in Him, make Him known.  Admittedly, upon reflection over this past school year, I have found myself doing just the opposite: occupying my time with everything that I can possibly handle, continuously pressing my limits... hoping that maybe I can catch my breath every now and then to take in His grace.  More on this in a sec.  My last journal entry from Germany, given because it capture my attitudes for the majority of my trip (all lack of capitalization as written in journal):

I sit on a bench in Heidelberg, Germany (or "Deutschland," if you will).
I am on the Philsophenweg, or "Philosopher's Walk."
My eyes look over the city.
I see great hills, steeples rise above the streets, a castle to my left, a nuclear power plant to my right.

And God, i still don't know what i'm doing.  My mind has been so utterly cluttered these last 5 weeks, there has been so much sickness in my mind and i don't know why my sense have calloused.

But i still know You're here.
God, what is Your reason?

i hear that i am called to sojourn with You.  That is fine with me, God.  i don't want to cling so tightly to my family or home that i do not follow You.

But Lord, this summer has just been a sehnsucht sojourn for You.  For Your home.  For Your place.

it seems i stumble upon it for an hour here, a verse there, only then to be plunged headlong into the recesses of frivolity, whether having an intellectual label or a pleasure-seeking thrill.

And i don't want to live this way, merely sojourning, aimlessly wandering, at times stumbling upon Christ only to then walk on.  God, i don't want to live this life as a biochemist or a physician or a president or an air worker.  i want my identity to be founded in You  And absolutely all else stemming from that reality.

God, where is my home?  Where is the place i love?  Where, in what presence, does my soul delight and never grows weary?  Is it not Your holy temple?  Is it not the powerful presence of Almighty God?

Why am i not home, God?

Why not yet?
Is this how i'm meant to live, Lord?
Just toying with temporality when eternity stands before me?

Yet my heart and my soul desperately need changed.  i seek You out here, that again i might be restored to Your courts.  For Lord, i ask Your forgiveness: for journeying without You. for seeking experience rather than holiness. for seeking cultural knowledge more than love. for a prosperous page instead of peace.

The Lord is my Peace.  Do i know Him?
The Lord is my Strength.  Do i feel Him?
The Lord is my Hope.  Do i watch for Him?

Like a watchman waits for dawn?
Knowing it will come, longing for its return
Not knowing the hour precisely, but knowing it is
drawing nigh moment by moment.

Speak, I pray, Lord.  I will wait for You.

... Lord God, forgive me, Father, for my lack of love and satisfaction in and for You.  God, forgive me for not recognizing or taking heed to Your voice when You call.  Jesus, forgive me.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

So yes, that was Germany.  Long ago, yet close in mind.

As for this year, He has definitely placed many blessings in my life.  He has shown faithful to the Christian community on campus, even in the midst of confusion about the administration's views on religious life.  The joy I have known through liturgical forms of worship this past year has been a new and fresh experience of the presence of God.  And He has demonstrated His love through my first ever girlfriend this past year (and I'm not saying that in an overly gooshy cutesy way; she has been a blessing and stabilizing listener in my walk with God).

At the same time, I've felt too "in control" of my life.  Too decisive in a poor way.  Forgetting to stop and meditate on the work of God in my life, past, present, and future.  That is not to say God cannot move through the decisions that I make, but what became of the times when I would fast and pray before stepping out on a decision?  Where I would intercede for a nation or city before I stepped foot in an area?  Do I really want to be so busy "reaching out" or "preparing for my career" that I don't sit at my God's feet, captured by His Wonder, worshiping His Beauty, again enraptured by His Heart, burdened with His Justice and Mercy for the downcast, and petitioning and weeping at His nail-scarred feet, knowing He is my Provider?

The answer to the last question should be obvious, but how do I get myself out of being tangled in such a mess of school and applications this summer?  The medical profession I am looking to pursue through application to at least 15 schools this summer almost guarantees that I will always be without sleep, that I will always be on my toes, never knowing enough to completely treat every single one of my patients... that I will somehow always be lacking a "necessity" that I can never have enough of.  Do I believe my God is able to sustain me in this?  Absolutely.  Though I weep over the thought of abandoning the place of intercessory prayer for the sake of medical practice, bioethics research, and other commitments.

Not only this, I mourn reducing my understanding of God's grace, my growth in His love, to a past time, and letting any understanding I acquire be simply academic in nature.  I know that this is not true currently, but it is one of my greatest fears.  I NEVER want to be simply an artifact of a bygone time, where God's grace once flowed and the joy of His Spirit abounded, only to be dried and led to the grave having a semblance of a love of God, sans real grounding in faith in Christ Jesus.

It seems I have reached this to some degree at the end of both last year and this year... but I don't want this to happen next year.  As I leave for the nation of Bangladesh on May 20th, 2012 (that's it, explaining the trip itself has to go in another, later post), I pray that God would teach me how to maintain a constant awareness of His presence... and that He would lead me further into the place of prayer, that He would silence all the academic questions, however legitimate they may be, for just a short season, so I can stop and know He is God.  If not this, then that He would let my questions at least do what they're intended to do: lead me into deeper knowledge of my Creator.

Father, Son, Spirit
Have mercy on me.
And lead me into Your arms again.

C'est tout, for now.  More on Bangladesh later.

God's peace be with you all.

in Christ,
MJW

P.S. In my head tonight (chorus from "Furious" by Jeremy Riddle):

His love is deep, His love is wide,
And it covers us.
His love is fierce, His love is strong,
It is furious.
His love is sweet, His love is wild,
And it's waking hearts to life.